I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
