I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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