My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize