i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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