can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize