You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize