well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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