wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
