I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
