im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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