She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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