The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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