and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
