She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
