If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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