I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
