dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
