Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
