and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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