remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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