I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
