have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
