have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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