bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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