ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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