Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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