I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
