"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
