Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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