ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
