oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
