Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
