Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
