if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize