Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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