I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
