remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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