Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
