My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
