My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
