worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
