dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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