yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
