Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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