A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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