Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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