I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize