By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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