Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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