White coat. Heels.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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