my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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