He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
PANTIES FOUND
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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