Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
