How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize