Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
