Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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