I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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