Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
