Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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