I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Four minutes until I can fart!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
