Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
