dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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